All I Want For Christmas
by ShepherdGirl2113
Summary: In the spirit of Christmas and the holiday season, Meredith searches for the perfect gift for Derek, hoping for her own Christmas gift in the process


**A/N- Okay, so this is my short Christmas fic, little way to get me in the season. It does seem a little like Slideshow, reading it over, but basically it's short and sweet, just a seasonal thing. We all need it anyhow, with the no Grey's in January after Lay Your Hands On Me.**

The lights were shining. People seemed to be happier. The lobby of the hospital wasn't as empty as before. Izzie baked twice as much as she normally did. It was definitely Christmas time.

It was Christmas. People were happy. But Meredith wasn't. She sat up in her bed while sighing and pushing Cristina over who was sleeping literally sideways and snoring. She had migrated over to Meredith's house for the holiday season claiming that her house had a nicer Christmas ambience. Obviously. But everyone secretly knew that Cristina didn't want to be alone for Christmas. Who did?

Apparently she did. She was supposed to be happy. And in love. And rejoicing in life. Whatever clichés the holidays brought about. But staring at the wall, legs crossed over Cristina's unconscious body, Meredith was anything but happy.

_I miss him_, she thought as a pair of car headlights swung by and flickered across her window. _I miss him always being here. I miss talking to him about anything and everything. I miss looking at him. I miss him holding me. I miss feeling him just there. I just miss him._

But did he miss her? Meredith sighed and slid off the bed, using Cristina for leverage. It was getting colder too, she noticed.

**MDMDMDMDM**

"Hey," Meredith said, stopping short when she saw Izzie in the kitchen.

Izzie looked up momentarily from her bowl and ingredients she was stirring furiously and narrowed her eyes. "Why are you up?"

Meredith shrugged and sat across Izzie on the island, looking at the trays of Christmas cookies on the counters and the table. Each was intricately decorated, not one of them the same as each other. "I can't sleep," Meredith admitted, taking the first cookie she could reach. She took a bite, letting the sweet taste linger in her mouth before swallowing and looking at the shape of the cookie. An angel. How ironic.

Izzie started cutting out shapes. A tree. A bell, followed by another angel a couple snowflakes and stars. "Yeah? Well, neither can I."

Meredith finished the rest of her cookie and brushed the crumbs off her fingertips. "Why not?" she asked.

Izzie didn't look up, but continued cutting her shapes. "Why can't you sleep?"

That was the cue to drop it. "I have a feeling," she replied simply.

Izzie looked at Meredith suddenly. When Meredith last had a feeling she almost died. "Good or bad?" she asked.

Meredith took another cookie, making sure not to choose another angel. "Sad," she replied quietly.

She was almost positive she saw the knife- edge of Izzie's small smile. "Derek," she said simply.

Meredith opened her mouth to question how Izzie knew, but decided she didn't want to get into the long conversation that resulted in her dark and twisty-ness. "I miss him."

Izzie reached over and broke off a piece of her cookie. "Tell him," she said, as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

Meredith rolled her eyes and tilted her head at Izzie. "I can't just tell him. Oh, Derek. I'm the girl who broke up with you but misses you. Please, please take me back," she said in a sarcastic voice aimed for Izzie.

Izzie laughed. "Maybe not quite like that."

Meredith popped the last piece of cookie into her mouth and flicked the crumbs on her fingertips at Izzie.

"You're quite the un-merry person around Christmas, Mer," Izzie said observantly.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Not much to be merry about."

"Just tell him, Mer. You'll feel better about it."

Meredith sighed, propping her head in her hands. "I can't."

Izzie groaned and half-pounded her cookie cutter on the counter. "Why not?"

"Because I'm me."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I'm dark and twisty," she said. "Plus the last time I told him I wanted him he chose his wife which proves that I'm not very good at this."

Izzie rolled her eyes at her Meredith and took a cookie for herself. "Then do a big grand gesture."

Meredith looked at Izzie wearily. "Like?"

"Like…you could sing him Christmas carols!"

Meredith pillowed her head in her arms and shook her head. "I am definitely not singing anyone Christmas carols," she said, knitting her eyebrows together. "I don't even know any Christmas carols."

Izzie's mouth dropped in surprise. "Seriously? I have a CD. Go borrow it and get in the Christmas spirit." She thought for a moment. "What about a gift? Christmas is all about the presents."

Meredith laughed slightly. "I thought Christmas was about rejoicing and loving life."

Izzie shrugged. "Yeah, it's also about the presents."

Meredith tilted her head and looked at Izzie and thought. "What kind of present?" she asked eventually.

Izzie shook her head. "It's your grand gesture. You figure it out."

Meredith sat watching Izzie continue to cut cookies, decorate them and place them in the oven.

_A Christmas present. It's simple. I can do this._

_For Derek. For Derek, I can do this._

**MDMDMDMDMD**

Meredith blinked. Once. Then again. She was late again. Jumping up from the counter and grabbing her jacket from the banister, she ran out the door and into her car, making the quickest exit possible out of the house and onto the road. It was the third time this month she had been late for work, no doubt due to her not being able to sleep at nights and falling asleep on the counter or in the bathroom in the early hours of the morning.

Safely on the highway, Meredith felt for the play button on the dashboard, expecting to hear tracks from the Clash CD's, which Derek had left in her car, but Meredith had no incentive to give back to him anyhow, as much as she complained about it. It reminded her of him, and even if it was the Clash, Meredith wasn't willing to let that go.

_Jingle bells_. She could hear jingle bells coming from the dashboard. Looking down quickly, Meredith picked up the messy sticky note scrawled in Izzie's handwriting saying what she thought looked like _'the Clash sucks and this will put you in the mood for your grand gesture.'_

Christmas had never been a great time for Meredith. People would wish her a merry Christmas and she found it hard to say back to them. There wasn't much in her life to be merry about, she would always think. The majority of her Christmases were spent in the lounge area of Seattle Grace, waiting for Ellis to finish her surgeries. Just one more, Ellis would say. And Meredith would nod her head and say okay with a smile, just wanting to please her mother in any way possible. Surgery after surgery Meredith would wait for her mother just so they could spend a fraction the day together, but it never happened. Instead of having a happy dinner at home, she would eat hospital food. Instead of receiving presents, she would receive a scolding for complaining in the waiting room. There wasn't much reason to be merry around Christmas time.

The beep of her pager drew Meredith out of her past and she glanced down briefly at the black pager on her hip. 911. As always. The holidays brought around massive traumas, which meant normally several surgeries to scrub in on. Pulling into the hospital parking lot, she couldn't help but notice the lyrics to the current song.

_All I want for Christmas is you._

Meredith turned of the engine with force and ran into the hospital, the beat and lyrics of the song echoing in her head. She couldn't remember the last time she had received a Christmas present or any present at all, but Meredith couldn't help but wish for one this Christmas.

"_This grand gesture better work. Because he's all I want for Christmas."_

**MDMDMDMDM**

"You're late. Fall asleep in the bathroom again?" Cristina said without looking up from the patient she was suturing.

Meredith narrowed her eyes at Cristina and snapped on a pair of gloves. "The counter."

At this, Cristina shot Meredith a sideways glance, shrugged and continued suturing. "It's better than the bathroom."

Meredith was silent, wondering if she should tell Cristina about her plan. "So Izzie convinced me to do this big grand gesture thing. Like a gift."

Cristina snorted. "She would."

Meredith bit her lip. "For Derek. She thinks it'll work or something."

"You still haven't let go of Mcdreamy?" Cristina asked sarcastically.

Meredith looked down into her lap, her hands folded tightly together. She wanted to, more than anything. He obviously had. But she didn't, even though she was the one who ended their relationship in the first place.

"You still haven't let go of Mcdreamy," Cristina whispered harshly at Meredith, both of them trying to ignore the looks Cristina's patient was giving them.

"I miss him. And I can't sleep. And I just miss him," Meredith admitted quietly. Cristina made a face at her, something that resembled the why-are-you-my-person look.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" Cristina asked eventually.

Meredith expected that question. Burke had left her at the altar and if Cristina was anything like her at all, which she was, she would still be ignoring and denying that it happened at all.

"What should I give him?" Meredith asked instead.

"Hair products," Cristina said without missing a beat.

Meredith laughed despite herself. "Izzie suggested Christmas carols." Cristina snorted again but didn't respond.

"What would you want for Christmas?" Meredith asked eventually.

"I don't celebrate Christmas."

Meredith sighed. "What would you want for Hanukah then?"

"Surgeries. Or my own hospital. Actually, get me both."

"I can't get him surgeries. He has enough of his own."

Cristina spun her chair to face the back of the patient's head and stood up. "When you get someone a present you normally get them something they want."

Meredith's eyes widened and she held her hands up in defeat. "I don't know what he wants!"

Cristina didn't even look over at Meredith. "What does he like to do?"

Meredith sat in silence, thinking over Cristina's question. Besides his surgeries and S and M, she had no idea what he liked to do in his free time.

"He likes to fish," Meredith said suddenly, remembering when Derek went camping once. "He and Burke went fishing that one time."

Cristina finished up her sutures and patted her patient twice on the head. "You're good to go. Go to the counter and sign your release forms." The patient jumped up quickly from the gurney and walked away from them, looking back once with a confused look on his face.

Cristina peeled off her gloves and threw them in the trash. "It's your gesture Mer. You figure it out."

Meredith leaned back in her chair and drummed her fingers on her lap. _Izzie said that too_, she thought.

**MDMDMDMDM**

She had spent the better half of her day travelling from the nurse's station to the computer lab to Alex's laptop looking for anything that resembled a grand gesture. Besides the 101 Jokes for the Fisherman, Meredith couldn't find anything.

"What are you doing?"

Meredith quickly closed all windows and shut the laptop, looking up at Alex. "Nothing."

Alex sat down next to her and rested his head against the wall. "You were definitely doing something."

Meredith shrugged tiredly. "Maybe I was."

Alex looked at Meredith, her eyes closed and knew when to drop it. "What's wrong with you?"

She shook her head. "I fell asleep on the counter last night. And the bathroom the night before."

"I'm tired too," Alex said by way of helping. "Facial reconstruction with Slone."

Meredith nodded, allowing Alex's words to sink in.

_I'm tired. Facial reconstruction._

_I'm tired._

"I have to go," Meredith said suddenly, pushing his laptop onto his lap and standing up quickly.

"Thanks for listening," she heard Alex call as she ran out of the resident's lounge.

**MDMDMDMDMDM**

When she wasn't going for a medical reason, the chief's door seemed much larger than normal. Just as she lifted her hand up to knock, the chief pulled open his door and Meredith jumped.

"Meredith. What can I do for you?" he asked, standing aside to allow her passage into his office.

She walked in, her hands clasped tightly together. She could guarantee that this would bring about a strange look and possibly a lecture from the chief.

"I was just wondering if Der- I mean Dr. Shepherd had any days off anytime soon."

The chief narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms. She got a strange look and it looked like she would be getting a lecture too.

"Why?"

Meredith sighed. "It's a Christmas thing, sir, and it requires days off. I was just wondering if he had any."

If it were anyone else, Meredith suspected that the chief wouldn't tell her something so personal. But since it was her, he moved to his desk and pulled out a file from the bottom drawer. Meredith found it strange that the chief would keep Derek's file under his desk when all the rest were in the file cabinet.

"He's got about three weeks off so far. The man never takes a break," the chief said, by way of joke. Meredith smiled slightly.

"Thank you sir," she said, turning to leave.

**MDMDMDMDM**

Running back to the resident's locker room, Meredith pulled open Alex's cubby again and searched for his laptop. She hoped that he hadn't burned out the battery by playing games in his free time. Alex loved to do that.

Meredith bit her fingernails while searching and scrolling through the webpage clicking and cataloguing the options in her head. Eventually, she chose one and pulled her credit cards out of her cubby, going over and over again in the same process until everything was complete.

Going back to all the open search windows, Meredith clicked the print button and closed all windows and cleared the history before putting Alex's laptop back into his cubby for his fun time, whenever that was.

She walked calmly to the printer, but her hands were shaking when she picked up the pages.

_I hope this works._

**MDMDMDMDMD**

Up until Christmas, Meredith kept herself preoccupied with surgeries and whatever she could find. She stole Alex's charts. She took George's night shift. She offered to do the research on all of Cristina's patients. But she couldn't concentrate most of the time. Not once had she ever looked forward to Christmas, but Meredith couldn't wait for this Christmas. It was, if anything else an excuse to see him outside of work.

As usual, every night, Meredith would wander down to the kitchen to steal Izzie's cookies and watch her make them. She could almost swear that she could bake some herself by now, she had watched Izzie in the process that many times.

"So your grand gesture is coming up," Izzie said, dipping her finger into the batter. Tonight was fruitcake. It was the spirit of Christmas eve, or something like that.

Meredith followed Izzie's suit, tasting the sweet batter from her finger. "That's good," she replied, trying to avoid whatever Izzie was trying to get into.

"Your grand gesture is coming up," Izzie said again, ignoring what Meredith had said previously.

Meredith sighed. "My grand gesture is coming up," she agreed.

"You nervous?"

She shrugged. "I guess." Meredith could swear that she saw the knife- edge of Izzie's smile.

"Well if it goes all Meredith-y, do damage control with these," Izzie said, turning around and handing Meredith a plate of beautifully decorated Christmas cookies. Meredith smiled, wondering if she should eat them instead of giving them away.

"Thanks Izzie," she said, pillowing her head on the counter.

Izzie smiled and continued stirring the batter, adding cubes of colored dried fruit one by one. "No problem."

**MDMDMDMDMD**

It was Christmas morning. And instead of dreading this day, she was nervous. More nervous than she had ever been before. Creeping upstairs quietly to her room, she grabbed her jeans and sweatshirt from her bed, smiling slightly at Cristina sprawled across her bed horizontally.

Downstairs, Meredith shrugged into her jacket and made sure twice that the envelope was safely in her pocket.

"Where are you going?"

Meredith sighed. "Are you always keeping watch of me?"

Alex shrugged, leaning against the banister. "Most of the time, Grey."

"It's creepy, Alex."

He smirked. "It's Christmas morning. Technically you're supposed to get up early on this day."

"I didn't know that you were a child."

He smirked again. "You're up too."

She couldn't help but smile. "I'm going out."

Alex nodded. "Shepherd. And the grand gesture."

At this, Meredith's eyes widened. "You were eavesdropping?" she shrieked slightly.

He reached behind her to pull his coat off the rack. "You and Izzie are pretty loud anyhow. But yes, I was eavesdropping."

Meredith frowned. "Where are you going?"

Alex pulled opened the door, but held it open for Meredith first. "Just because I know where you're going doesn't mean you have to know where I'm going."

She shrugged, pulling open her car door. "Okay, then."

Before she got into her car, she felt Alex tightly wrap his arms around her, catching her completely off guard. "Merry Christmas, Grey," he said.

Meredith returned the hug cautiously, never actually experienced the true Christmas feeling before. "Merry Christmas, Alex," she said, meaning it fully.

**MDMDMDMDMD**

As hard as she tried, Meredith couldn't get out of her car. All she needed to do was to get out of the car, but she couldn't do it.

_Okay. In three seconds I'm getting out of the car. Three seconds._

She positioned her hand over the handle and counted. _One, two, three._

She heard the door click open and was half surprised that she had actually done it. As she walked up to the deck, the door to the trailer opened, and Meredith froze.

Derek looked at her, obviously shocked to see her but he smiled nonetheless. "I think you sat in the car for a whole fifteen minutes, Mer. But Merry Christmas," he added on.

She walked tentatively up to the deck and sat down, suddenly exhausted from everything. "Merry Christmas, Derek," she said quietly, meaning it, but still familiarizing herself with the words. They seemed strange together.

"So," he said by way of conversation, zipping his jacket up further. "Any reason why you're here? Or just a Christmas visit?"

Meredith reached into her jacket and pulled out the envelope she had been guarding ever since she had created it. _Now or never._

"Here," she simply said, handing him the envelope with his first name scrawled across it with her neatest handwriting.

He looked at her, a puzzled look on his face as he carefully broke the seal. Meredith held her breath as he pulled out the papers. She watched as he scanned over them, flipping between pages, his smile growing as he realized what she had gotten him. "I can't believe you did this, Mer," he said quietly.

"I asked the chief for your days off, and I read that the best time for fishing in Montana was during March or April, so I got you the tickets. You said you wanted to go there once."

He looked at her, ready to say something, wanting to say anything but he couldn't find the words. He didn't know what to say to this.

Her eyes suddenly widened. "You can return the tickets if you want. I probably should have asked you first," she said.

Derek wrapped his hand around her wrist. "Mer, this is the most amazing gift. I can't believe you remembered what I said."

Meredith shrugged. "I remember everything you say," she said simply.

There was nothing left to do. Derek leaned in and captured her lips with his, letting his hands run through her hair. It was the most amazing feeling.

"I didn't get you anything," he said sadly when they pulled away, his forehead resting on hers.

She shrugged again. "I don't want anything. I've never gotten anything before. All I want for Christmas is you," Meredith said remembering the lyrics to the song that Izzie had given to her.

Derek smiled slightly. "I didn't know that you like Mariah Carey," he said.

"It works though," she said.

He kissed her again quickly and pulled her up. "It works," he agreed.

**A/N- So I hoped you liked it!!! To all my reviewers for Slideshow and everything else, Thank You SO much. You have no idea what it means to me. If anyone has the time or feels in the mood, please leave me a review to let me know how I'm doing. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks! And Happy Holidays to everyone. New story in January, I promise, if people want it….**

**Happy Holidays everyone!!!**


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